I knew what I was experiencing was not normal, but I was afraid to tell anyone about the thoughts that haunted me. I feared that they would think that I was a danger to my son and would try to take him away (a mother’s worst nightmare). I felt that I was losing my sanity. I began to doubt my abilities and myself for the first time in my life. Although I knew my fears where irrational, it provided no emotional relief. I felt that if I couldn’t control my thoughts, then I may lose control over my actions (I now know that this is illogical because no one is able to completely control their thoughts). No matter how hard I tried to explain my torment, nobody understood and I felt very alone.

Many other women I would talk to would have such “normal” worries. I would only insinuate that my worries were much worse. How could I tell people about the horrific images that pop into my head? Even those that are very close to me, when I confided in them the paralyzing fears and images I had of stabbing my baby or sexually abusing him--they would respond with “you could never do that, you are a good mom and everybody worries about their kids”. I knew that I loved my son with all of my heart and I could never hurt him, but how could I not be tormented and disgusted by these unwelcome thoughts that pop into my head. The only reassurance I had was that my loved ones and my mental health professionals trusted me. Once I dealt with the shame, I realized that people could never think any worse about me that I have felt about myself, nor could they be more abhorred by the thoughts. I now try to help others by telling my story.

Getting the right diagnosis helped me to find information and the more I’ve learned about OCD, the better I am at coping with the symptoms. I’m also feeling better about myself. In my support group, I met other mothers that experience the same hell of OCD. Medications have helped enormously (mine consist of Zoloft, Klonopin and Seroquel) but I still have to fight the symptoms. My therapist taught me that people with OCD are the least likely to hurt anybody because they are so worried about doing so—fear is proof that we don’t want it. It breaks my heart that others experience the torment of OCD, but I want them to know that there is help; I’ve literally come from crying for 3 days straight and having panic attacks in my baby’s room to being back at work and attending graduate school to teach at a Community College. Best of all, I’m able to enjoy being a mom and being with my son without constant fear that I may go crazy and hurt him.

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